What is wrong with me?
Does this sound like a question you may have asked yourself during your battle with depression? Depression wages war against your mind, your body. It’s basically at war with ‘you.’
At least, that’s what I found to be true during my descent with depression. A couple years ago, I went through life coach training. During training, one of the things we were asked to do was to scan our inner selves and unearth any conflicting, negative underlying questions that we may have tucked away. Like sifting my thoughts through a strainer. And what was dredged up from within me were those questions – “what is wrong with me?”…”why am I useless?”
I realized that I had asked myself these questions before. Out loud and in my conscious mind. What I failed to realize was that it had taken root in my subconscious.
What is your question? What have you asked yourself out loud, or in musing?
When you look into your mirror, who do you see? Amusingly, the mirror has become such an indispensable part of our lives. If not the first thing, what is one of the first things you look at in the morning? The mirror! Right?
It has become, for lack of other words… An extension of our lives! And the person staring back at us stands inverse. Much like how a lot of us view ourselves. The opposite of who we are created to be. And this especially so when we struggle with depression.
Over the past 5 years of my depression, I reached a point of such low self-worth, that I shied away from myself. I didn’t think the person staring back at me was worth the eye-contact. A fog of ‘fear’ had clouded my eyes. I had figured out how to locate something wrong with everything about me. Appearance, qualification, confidence etc. I shied away from sitting too close to anyone because I didn’t want them to notice everything that I thought was weird about me. I didn’t want them to see the lost look in my eyes, or the defects I found in …to cut it short and say…’all’ of me!
And as though that stack of insecurity wasn’t enough, I happened to get myself one of those countertop magnifying mirrors with the built in light. If you’re not familiar with these mirrors, it has two sides. One has a regular mirror and the other side a magnifying mirror, that ‘magnifies’ every tiny pore on your face! Now that one haunted me for weeks!!!
My mirror also brought me face to face with ‘me.’ And I did NOT want to live with ‘me.’ I didn’t want to live this way. There was a stirring in my heart and my mind. Leaving me questioning my very being. And the byproducts of the stirring were fear and dread.
I also came face to face with the creator of the reflection in the mirror. I was angry with Him for what I was going through. Didn’t He see the fear, suffering, the many sleepless tormenting nights?
The encounter with the mirror is real. And so is our battle with depression. But the mirror cannot win. Because, you and I are bigger than our battle with depression. We were created for a purpose and that is all the enemy wants to destroy.
Here’s one way to win over the mirror:Declaring the promises of God over your life.
If you cannot gather the strength to speak it, write it down. That’s what I did. I was either too physically weak to speak it, or too emotionally distraught. But I wrote down promise after promise in my journal. Even when it was hard for me to believe.
I would tape scripture written on note cards to the mirror. So that on days when I woke up to see the worst in myself, I had a promise to turn my eyes to, instead of the despair in my eyes. I used note cards because I happened to have some. But you could write yours down on decorative paper, embellish it. Or maybe just sticky notes. However you prefer.
Also, when the enemy kept echoing lies in my ears, and plugging my ears didn’t drown it out, I started to plug my ears with the word of God. I would have sermons or the audio Bible playing constantly in my ears. Especially during the night. Depression hits hard in the night watch and I fought months of sleeplessness. So, if the devil wasn’t going to let me sleep, I figured I’d drown him out with the Word. Thank God for technology and headphones!
Here’s a scripture that will anchor it down
This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that Your word has revived me and given me life. (Psalm 119:50).
Our mirror…the Word!
“…we continued to behold in the Word of God, as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image…(II Corinthians 3:18).