I didn’t see the movie Fight Club when 20th Century Fox released it in 1999. It was simply an issue of having been released into theaters the same year my wife, Kariann, and I were married—We were too poor to go to the theater. I admit that I begged Kariann to make an exception for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace—and grrrrrr, I was disappointed in the movie. Anyway, I tried to watch Fight Club years later, but I didn’t have the stomach to get very far. But I do remember a scene in the movie where one of the main characters, Tyler Durden, the proprietor of the fight club in the movie, gets beat up by an Italian property owner/mob boss. This mob boss, Lou, is trying to get Durden’s fight club squatting in the basement of his building to move out. So Lou swaggers down into the dingy basement with a couple of bodyguards and proceeds to beat Durden’s face to a gross bloody pulp. Durden’s fight club members stand on the shadowy fringes of the basement in confused tension. Only the joke is on Lou. It turns out that Durden is sadistic and likes getting his face kicked in, literally because, you know, he runs the fight club, after all. In a blink, the tables turn as Durden jumps up and tackles Lou to the ground. Then, in a wild scramble on the concrete, Durden proceeds to pin Lou down, laugh hysterically and violently spit and spray blood in Lou’s face while growling, “Please let us keep it, Lou.” It becomes evident that Durden never intended to leave Lou’s basement. And he was willing to go to absurd lengths to prove his stubbornness. As you might expect, Lou reacts with complete repulsion, but he can’t escape Durden’s grasp. In absolute horror over the complete mess he’s found himself in, Lou yields instantly to Durden’s overwhelming physical and mental pressure, concedes the basement to the fight club, is pulled to his feet by a bodyguard and scurries on all fours up the stairs to safety and sanity.
The movie scene is incredibly visceral. I was shocked at how Durden upended Lou’s supposed hierarchy and power. Most of all, it made me think of when I believed I was in control, only to realize I was out of control of infinite variables, basically every moment of every day.
This scene in Fight Club perfectly expresses and explains the dynamic relationship between crisis and control in my life and yours. In many ways, this scene serves as a perfect representation of what has happened, in one way or another, to every human who has ever lived. We are or have been any one of the characters in this scene. We have been Lou, a man who thinks he is in control, only to find out he is very much in crisis. We have been Tyler Durden, seemingly in crisis and enduring great pain but strategically controlling the situation. Or we have been the observers standing in utter amazement at the complete train wreck we are witnessing. Many other variations exist as well. But almost everything in life comes down to crisis and control.
Control.
I want to tell you about something I call “Crisis. Control.” I explain it like this: the crisis in my life was an invitation for me to admit, in my current condition, that my life was a crisis that required Jesus’ control, His kingship of my story. After all, He had offered all His life, even the crises, to God the Father, the Great Storyteller’s control. Watching how Jesus lived taught me a powerful truth that frames how I approach crises in my life:
Crisis is vital because it forces the question, “Who is in control?”
This statement is the cornerstone for the tool I call call “Crisis. Control.” To be clear, I call it “Crisis. Control.” because, in my experience, “the crisis is for control.”—It has taken forty-seven years of life for that truth to sink in. Sigh.
After Kariann and I were married, our first seven and a half years were an exercise of complete humility. I faced a crisis—a brutal slide into an illness of mind, body and spirit that made me question the very purpose and meaning of my existence. My mental descent into bipolar desperation started subtly. Eventually, it increased in intensity as mounting stress pushed me into territory where I was eagerly willing to compromise previous boundaries I had set for things like alcohol or spiritual purity of heart and mind. Every aspect of my life was affected. I wanted to turn off the pain—so I tried. Boundaries I had previously been unwilling to cross with things like my diet, my exercise, my thought life, and my entertainment choices all became new targets for excess and abuse. I thought I was in control. But the abuses of my freedom caused me to become mastered by my appetites, cravings, and lusts. I was in crisis. My “control” was leading me into vice, not virtue. No matter the difficulty I was facing, the core crisis was that I was always seeking to be in control, to be a god—Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Like them, I didn’t want to have to trust the one and only God. I wanted to be the god who was in control. At times, I still do.
There have been times of haunting stupidity when I have played the role of Lou, Tyler Durden or the dumbfounded spectators in Fight Club. I have also been the bodyguard who has rescued friends from their messes. But my story has become a story of crisis controlled by a loving and incomprehensibly powerful Savior.
Specifically, I have been able to experience God’s restful control by rhythmically telling my story during the regular crises of life. And goodness, I don’t invite people into the messy adventure to stroke my ego. I do it because inviting people into my story helps encourage others while reminding me of Who is in control—the Great Hero, Jesus Christ. And I must constantly be reminded that Jesus controls everything—even the painful crises. Jesus’ heroic story of crisis has made my gritty story heroic in a way I don’t deserve or expect:
God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.—Matthew 5:3-4 NLT
It was to people who were in dire crisis Jesus brought the message of His Kingdom for the first time. Two thousand years removed, and I am one of those people Jesus’ message continues to reach—I need Jesus. With few exceptions, significant life change only happens when people live through a crisis and find themselves in desperation. Desperate people, those in crisis—as opposed to those in comfort or “in control”—are far more likely to surrender themselves to drastic and lifelong transformation. So when desperate people release control and offer it to Jesus—they repent. And when they repent, they experience a new King and His new kingdom—“Crisis. Control.” is the nit and the grit of Jesus’ Gospel and His kingdom.
Jesus’ message was:
Now after John was taken into custody, Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God has come near; repent and believe in the gospel.—Mark 1:14-15 NASB2020
I had become so desperate that I was willing to turn from my “control” and follow Jesus’ example and His solution for the physical, mental and spiritual sickness that was affecting me. I trusted and followed His specific answer, “repent and believe.” I gave Jesus control of my “fight club”—I gave Him control of the uncontrollable. Jesus hasn’t healed me, but I have experienced seventeen years of health. Yes, crisis surrounded me, but peace, joy, love, patience, and discipline invaded my heart—my spirit was given new life by the Spirit of God.
Like what happened between the fictional crazy man, Tyler Durden, and mob boss, Lou, from the movie Fight Club, giving Jesus control of the crisis upended my sense of hierarchy and power and gave me new life, exceptional hope and a gritty, heroic story to tell about Jesus Christ, the Great Hero.
So, yeah, Jesus invites you (and me) to actively engage in His form of “Crisis. Control.” by doing two things every day:
In your current condition, admit that all your life is a crisis that requires Jesus’ control, His kingship of your entire story.
Begin to host people in your ongoing messy and gritty story that tells a heroic story about Jesus (Matthew 28:18-20)—Welcome others into your story at every opportunity.
Jesus’ “Crisis. Control.” changes the world one story at a time. Your story is next.
Scott and Kariann Box live in Redmond, Oregon. Scott serves as Pastor of Development at Shiloh Ranch Church and has been a worship leader for over twenty-five years. Kariann works as a Realtor in Central Oregon and supports Scott’s…creative spirit. They have two children, a one-hundred-pound Labradoodle and a four-pound Shih Tzu without teeth. Scott is the author of HEROIC DISGRACE: Order out of chaos. Hope out of fear. ― A Worship Hero Story
I found a family where I least expected it, Among people confused and in need of hope, Amid people who can’t see the light they radiate, With laughter hidden behind many nights of tears.
They are a lighthouse in the sea, and they don’t realize it, Their stories inspire me, They are calm amid the storm.
I am guided through them with their testimonies laden with wise experience, And they believe it is I who encourage them with my eloquence. But I am only a mirror of the Eternal’s Grace A product of His mercy, A reflection of the Architect, A mere fragile vessel, A tool, and clay in the Master’s hands.
The only One who is Worthy of Glory, Honor and to whom I owe myself completely.
I found a family, and I feel at home, I go to them, and they are my safe place amid the daily journey. They are a treasure, and they don’t know it, The fact that they ignore it makes them more valuable. They are pearls; they are diamonds.
Together we hold each other in this turbulent sea called Life, We’re not in the same boat, But we have the same Captain and Guide. Forces forsake most of us, But we do not fear the darkness or the fog, For our tank of faith is full, Brimming with the hope of Christ who is the Word.
I embrace them in my prayers, In whatever way I am allowed to do so. And blessed technology That made it easy for us to get to know each other. To bring us closer despite the distance So long that separates us, Of those hours of difference Roads, Kilometers, And that great ocean.
I found a family, Where I never imagined. A group, my tribe Whatever you want to call it. They are my home, My campfire, My safe place, My Fresh Hope That Christ through them gives me.
Do you remember the day you stood before witnesses and read aloud your wedding vows? They probably included words of commitment such as “…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
These are weighty words, and yet they offer so much hope in life’s challenges, such as when mental illness enters a marriage. It’s at such times that the words we spoke, perhaps decades before, really matter. This was so for Janet and I, who married at 22. Whilst Janet poetically recited the famous covenant words of Ruth to me, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay…” and added her own, of staying with me through “the mountains and valleys of our journey together”, I promised something much less creative!
15 years later, in 2005, we moved from the UK to Canada to pastor a hurting church, with our five young children, including a three-month-old. We were excited and ready to go! However, we soon learned that God’s call to a new land did not exempt us from hardship.
The initial years bore fruit, with the church growing in many ways. But we faced personal struggles with unexpected culture shock, followed by the sudden passing away of Janet’s Dad. Finding support from an organisation that supports ministry couples in crisis, not only helped us at the time but also prepared us for bigger challenges ahead.
In 2008, I experienced months of spiritual ecstasy where I would wake at 4 am every morning to pray, followed by a deep dive into the agonies of a dark, hopeless depression. We didn’t realise that this was the onset of a seven-year severe, medication resistant depression and a later diagnosis of bipolar II. Life’s vibrancy faded, and even simple tasks felt impossible.
My battle with mental illness reached a critical point with an intentional overdose of prescribed medications. Thankfully, Janet’s timely intervention saved my life, leading to a desperately needed three-month hospital stay. The ensuing years became a blur as I stood down from pastoral duties with recurrent hospital admissions and a search for effective treatment.
At home, Janet was having to face overwhelming trials. With an incapacitated partner, financial strains, and the challenges of raising our children, the question arose from on of our children, “Why don’t you just leave him?” The sad reality is that 80% of marriages facing such challenging circumstances do not survive, yet, through these dark times, God’s presence remained steadfast and He was faithful in providing the help we needed.
So, what helped our marriage to weather such a storm, and what would we advise now?
Invest in your relationship. Before my illness and throughout our marriage, we had intentionally sought regular times of meaningful connection. This created a rich source of strength we could draw on during the darkest times. This priority was a lifesaver for us.
Understand the seriousness of mental illness. Taking so long to understand I was depressed made my situation more severe. Now, that we know more, we can offer our help and experience to others to seek the support they need earlier.
Self-learning and advocacy are key. Janet learnt as much as she could about depression and bipolar and this helped her advocate for me when I had no voice and was overmedicated in the hospital. She also asked for, and received, a second opinion on my treatment and diagnosis which led to changes in my care.
Self-care is crucial. Pastoral couples can easily neglect this area of life but it became non-negotiable for Janet’s well-being, as she sought to balance the demands of supporting me, working full-time and being a mother of five. She took time early each morning to pray and exercise. She would often sit at the piano and play a hymn over and over until she actually believed the words she was singing. One day she was ‘shout-praying’ to God about having a puppy (which she learnt could bring comfort to the depressed) and not being able to afford one. The next day someone asked her whether she wanted the very breed of puppy she had been praying for at no cost as it had just been rescued.
Having a good support network. Janet also sought close friends she could talk to and draw encouragement from – this proved vital for both of us. Our whole family had counseling support at times during these years, and we were constantly amazed at how God went before us and provided us with Christians who worked in the public health system.
Develop the right perspective. One of the challenges Janet faced was acknowledging and understanding that some of my behavior was due to the fact I was ill and not because I was deliberately being rude or selfish. It wasn’t until I took an overdose that it really began to sink in and even then it was sometimes hard for her to keep that changed perspective that brought compassion rather than conflict and judgement. Talking to people who are knowledgeable about mental illness can be helpful as you navigate your relationship.
Believe that God can raise the dead. One day when Janet was at the end of herself, and had nothing left to give, she saw a counsellor friend, who encouraged her to be honest with me about where she was at, go and watch the newly released movie called The War Room (which was all about the power of prayer), and believe that God can still raise the dead! That was a transformational moment for Janet, for me, and for our marriage as we began to witness God slowly turn things around.
In 2015 we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and Janet was determined to have a party. With the help of our close friends, she put it all together. I had a problem though: I felt this was the worst year of our marriage. I mentioned this to Janet and said I was struggling in our relationship. Her reply, “Welcome to my last 7 years”, stunned me! I honestly had no idea how tough it had been for her.
There are no easy answers to fulfilling your marriage vows in such challenging times, but digging into God’s grace, holding on to His Word, and finding the support and self-care you need make it truly possible.
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.“ Proverbs 18: 24b
Now combine that verse with what Jesus says in Matthew 28:20: “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
That’s the ultimate friendship. A forever friendship with Jesus.
As a Hope Coach, I’ve spoken to many people who feel alone, without friends who understand. They feel like they’re the only one going through what they’re going through. All by themselves.
Maybe it’s a mental health challenge. Maybe it’s loving someone with a mental health challenge. Maybe it’s just a life situation that has them feeling stuck. No matter what, they feel very alone, with no one who “gets it.”
This can be a debilitating feeling. It can lead to feelings of hopelessness. It can lead to feelings of isolation. It can be paralyzing. It can breed ruminating – dwelling on the hopeless feelings and repeating “I’m all alone in this,” over and over in their heads. Soon, that’s all they can see – that they’re alone in their misery.
But those are lies of the enemy. They are not the truth of Scripture. The Bible tells us that we are never alone. “For he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5b
Jesus has called us “friend” (see John 15:15). He has promised to always be with us, and we assured of His Presence by the Holy Spirit, dwelling inside of us. We have the power of the Risen Christ living in us! We have power to overcome our hopeless feelings.
The best way to thwart the lies of the enemy is with the truth of God’s Word. For every lie that Satan tells us, we need to find a verse in Scripture that reminds us of how God sees us: as His beloved children (John 1:12; I John 3:1); as redeemed (Ephesians 1:7); as forgiven (Colossians 2:13); as more than conquerors (Romans 8:37).
If you find yourself believing the lie that you are all alone, remind yourself of the above truths from God’s Word!
But we are not just friends with God. We are loved by God.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels no rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
“…And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power … to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-“ Ephesians 3:17b-19a
“…His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1-9
That’s the ultimate love. The love of God, who is Creator, Almighty, Comforter, Deliverer, Faithful, Holy, Magnificent, Eternal, … – the list of God’s attributes goes on and on. And we are LOVED by Him!
I want to encourage you, especially if you are feeling alone or unloved.
Reach up – God is right there, waiting patiently for you so He can wrap you in His love and peace. Tell Him of your feelings – they do not change His love for you. Search His Word for the truths of what He says about you.
Reach out – phone a trusted friend, or contact Fresh Hope and ask to speak to a Hope Coach, someone to share your situation with. We are trained to listen and ask questions, to help you find a way forward, from your feelings of hopelessness to hope. We’ll remind you that you have a friend in Jesus, and that God has great love for you.
Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for 5 years and as the Hope Coach Trainer for 3. You can reach her atpeggy@freshhope.us
As winter sets in, it can be challenging to keep your spirits up, with shorter days, colder temperatures, and fewer outdoor activities opportunities. The dark and gloomy days can also cause feelings of isolation and loneliness, which can take a toll on our mental health. I’ve suffered from depression during the winter months more times than I’d like to admit. I’m also one of “those people” who often doesn’t do the simple things of taking care of myself physically and emotionally. Yet, I know better! Why, oh why, do I struggle to do the things that are good for me?
Because I struggle to do what is best for me, I must create a simple list of essential things to improve my mental well-being during winter. So, here’s my personal top tips for maintaining good mental hygiene for this winter:
1.Get Enough Natural Light – During the winter months, we spend most of our time indoors, which can result in a lack of natural light. Dim rooms can affect our circadian rhythm, mood, and productivity. Fortunately, there are several ways to get enough natural light, such as taking outdoor walks during the day, opening curtains, and sitting near windows. You can also invest in light therapy devices that emit a light similar to natural sunlight.
2. Stay Active – Exercising releases endorphins, boosting your mood and reducing stress levels. Even if you can’t engage in outdoor activities, you can still do indoor exercises such as yoga, aerobics, or strength training. You can also consider joining an online workout group to keep yourself motivated.
Staying active is such a struggle for me. I don’t like to exercise. Oh, how I wish I was one of those folks who are addicted to exercising! Recently, I’ve become physically much more active than usual. I’ve been helping a friend with their business, and it has required me to do a lot of moving things around, which has not been easy but has been so good for me.
Truth is, during the pandemic, I “sat down,” watched TV, and coped by eating all my favorite things (especially peanut M&Ms). And it’s been a challenge to get back up and move again. These last few months of being more physically active have helped me see what I “lost” during the pandemic by my inactivity.
3. Stay Connected – Don’t let the winter weather isolate you. Keep in touch with your loved ones, connect with friends online, and join social groups that share your interests. If you are a believer, staying connected with your faith community is important. Just the social interaction that takes place when you attend a worship service in person can make a BIG difference for your mental health. Talking to others and engaging in social activities can boost your mood and make you feel less alone.
4. Practice Relaxation Techniques – During winter, taking breaks and relaxing is essential. Engage in activities that promote relaxation, such as meditation, deep breathing, aromatherapy, and mindfulness. You can also indulge in warm baths, cozy blankets, and hot drinks to ease your mind and stay comfortable during cold days.
Spending time in prayer, meditating on God’s word, and sipping on a hot cup of coffee does a lot for my mental health and hygiene.
5. Eat Well – During the winter months, it’s easy to rely on comfort foods, but these foods can affect our physical and mental health. Eating a healthy and balanced diet that includes fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins can boost your mood, improve your energy levels, and protect your immune system.
Eating well is a massive challenge for me! (The truth is that my “default setting” with food is “Eat a LOT!” Instead of “Eat Well”.) Starchy Comfort foods and chocolate call my name out during the wintertime. I struggle to disconnect what I eat from my emotions. Fortunately, this year, I’m trimming down physically by eating less, eating well, and being much more active than usual. I need to dig my next size “down” pants from the closet. I’m also shocked by the difference just being more active can make in physical and emotional health.
As winter sets in, taking care of our mental health by practicing good mental hygiene is crucial. By getting enough natural light, staying active, staying connected, practicing relaxation techniques, and eating well, we can beat the winter blues and stay healthy throughout the season. The key is to intentionally care for yourself, finding the right balance between relaxation, socialization, and physical activity. By doing so, you’ll be able to enjoy the winter season and keep your spirits up.
