Pastor Brad Hoefs

Pastor | Author | Speaker | Hope Coach | Mental Health Advocate

Month: August 2020

Helpful Tips When Dealing With No Support System

Helpful Tips When Dealing With No Support System

What do you when you have no positive and encouraging support your family and/or friends?

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Research shows that when those of us with mental health challenges have a good support system of family and friends, we actually do better than those who do not have a support system. It only makes sense. After all, as it is with any challenges in life, we all do better with the support of family and friends. The support of my wife, family, and close friends was key in encouraging me and helping me to learning to live well in spite of having a bipolar disorder.

So, what do you when you have no positive and encouraging support your family and/or friends?

  1. Choose to work through your hurt from the lack of support from your family and/or friends. You can’t change people. Sometimes we have to just accept the fact that family and friends do not understand nor are they helpful; and you resenting it won’t change them and will only end up holding you back.
  1. Choose to find and establish the type of encouraging positive support system that you need. How?

a. Look for a positive, helpful, principled mental health recovery peer support group, in person or online. A support group is a great place to find friends who can be positive and supportive to whom you can be accountable on a regular basis. (For example, Fresh Hopenow has support group meetings online so no matter where you live you can find a positive and encouraging mental health support group.)

b. Finding a local peer support specialist is also another possibility for a positive support system.

c.Other places to find good friends are at church, a health club, the gym, and with special interests groups.

Remember, you and I become like the five people we spend the most time with; therefore choose friends carefully.

In spite of having a great support group of spouse, family, and friends, I’ve also had an accountability group of peers who have held me accountable for my mental health recovery and doing the things that are best for me and for my family.   This accountability group has been key in my recovery support system. They have had access to my doctor and my wife. My wife and doctor have also had access to them and to one another. I call it my “circle of accountability” which hems me in and keeps me honest.

While it’s not always been comfortable; my accountability group has empowered me to live well in the long run. Let’s be honest, too often you and I can easily tell the doctor one thing and our spouse or friends something else; only telling people what we want them to know. And while it took a lot of trust initially in the individuals who have made up my accountability group, it has served me very well.

From my perspective, it imperative for you and me to have a positive and encouraging support system and accountability. And as disappointing and hurtful as it is to have a lack of support from friends and/or family members, you can’t let that keep you from finding the support system you need. Yes, it will take effort to do so. But the effort will pay off.

What about you? Do you have the support of family and friends? If not, have you been able to establish a support system for yourself? If so, where? How?

Check out Brad’s weekly podcast: www.FreshHope4MentalHealth.com

Check out Fresh Hope’s online meetings: www.FreshHopeMeeting.com

 

Fresh Hope is a faith-based non-profit that empowers people to live well in spite of their mental health challenge.

YOUR gift will provide a person with God’s Fresh HOPE for daily living. Click here to donate, today.

https://freshhope.us/donate/

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Real Hope Has Gotten Me Through My Hopelessness

Real Hope Has Gotten Me Through My Hopelessness

Life can be difficult.  No one makes it through life without painful trials and tribulations. And there is no doubt that having bipolar disorder on top of all of the typical trials and tribulations can make life even more challenging.  There’s just no sugar-coating it. Hopelessness happens all too easily.  But life can also be beautiful. The truth is, no one makes it through life without experiencing joy-filled events and blessings.  But having hope and being hope-filled takes effort, unlike hopelessness.

Probably one of the most peculiar things about hope and hopelessness is that they can co-exist in life. When I reflect on the greatest difficulties and deepest depression that caused extreme despair in my life, it was hope that got me through the hopelessness. But it was not the “wishful-thinking” kind of hope that life would get better that got me through the hopelessness.  That kind of “hope” is nothing more than wishful thinking that things may or may not get better.  And that kind of hope was not enough for me.  Hoping that things might get better could not even bring about the smallest of cracks within my despair.

img_6604So what is this “real” hope that got me through and continues to get me through living life with bipolar disorder?  It’s the Real Hope that was born and died on the cross and His promise.  In particular, it is the promise of Romans 8:28 that has gotten me through the many incredibly painful events that could have easily led to the bottomless pit of hopelessness. In Romans 8:28 the apostle Paul tells us that the Lord will work all things together for our good.  As a person of faith, I believe this.  Knowing and believing this real hope does not mean that I stuff my feelings.  Rather, it means that as I feel my feelings I’m able to work through them and deal with them because I know that He will take even the worst of life’s trials and tribulations and make them work together for me for my good.  That’s hope. That’s real.

See, I’ve come to understand how my faith has been instrumental in my living well.  I don’t do wishful thinking kind of hope.  Instead, I do Romans 8:28 hope.  In other words, as I go through difficulties (and there are plenty of them) I recognize them, feel the feelings because I know that the Lord will take all of the pain and make it work for my good. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden things become easy.  But I’m able to move through the pain, knowing how it will end.

The Lord is the real hope.  The Father sent His Son into our messy world to redeem us.  Born right in the midst of the stench of that stable,He came.  And on that cross, He died for you and me. Out of what appeared to be a hopeless beginning and an even more hopeless death on the cross, He rose as proof that He is indeed our sure and certain hope.

There is no way that I would be living well, much less living, without Him as my hope.  Romans 8:28 has gotten me through the hopelessness. Grab ahold of that hope my friend.  Whatever difficulties you are going through this day, He can and will make though things work together for your good.  No, he doesn’t promise a painless life. In fact, He says that in this life you and I will have difficulties.  Instead, He promises to never leave you, and to take those problems and work them together for your good.  And in knowing this, you and I can move forward in spite of our present circumstances.

On this day, my prayer is that you will grab ahold of the real and certain hope we have that He will take all of your difficulties, pain, and problems, and work them together for your good.  Keeping moving forward: moving one step at a time.  He loves you.  He is with you. He is for you. And Heis at work; making all things work out together for your good!

Blessings my friend,

Brad

Fresh Hope is a faith-based non-profit that empowers people to live well in spite of their mental health challenge.

YOUR gift will provide a person with God’s Fresh HOPE for daily living. Click here to donate, today.

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A Tool of Hope in the Palm of My Hands – The Spanish Fresh Hope Book

A Tool of Hope in the Palm of My Hands – The Spanish Fresh Hope Book

 By: Samanta Karraa

I am so glad to announce to all my Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters that                   the Fresh Hope book is now available in Spanish!

   Prior to reading the Fresh Hope Book, I was merely surviving. I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my whole world was falling apart. On top of the discomfort, the heartache, the apathy towards life, I was experiencing a lot of guilt because of things I had done and said during a manic episode right before having been diagnosed. I had lost all confidence in myself and felt like I was never going to be able to work or to serve my family again. I was hiding behind a curtain of shame, feeing trapped between a rock and a hard place between symptoms and the medicines’ secondary effects. I felt alone and misunderstood. And frankly, I could see no way into the future.

   Totally by an act of God’s grace I happened to find Pastor Brad’s book online: Fresh Hope: Living Well in spite of a Mental Health Diagnosis. Although the title was very promising and compelling, and I was excited to find a Christian resource that spoke bluntly about Mental Health, at first I wasn’t convinced I wanted to read it. It was so hard for me to concentrate – how was I going to be able to read a whole book! But I did go ahead and order the book, only to find it was God´s gift to me during the worst moments of my life! In the book I found so many blessings, but here are the Top 11 Blessings Received by reading Fresh Hope: Living Well in spite of a Mental Health Diagnosis (because the Top 10 wasn’t enough!):

  1. Ability to accept my diagnosis. Denial was no longer necessary. First, I was able to see where exactly I was in denial and how denial works. Secondly, I was able to overcome denial and peacefully accept my diagnosis without succumbing to it.
  2. Freedom from the power that the symptoms had to define my life. Before reading the Fresh Hope book, whenever I heard or read about a symptom of bipolar disorder, I would immediately magnify it in my mind and let it start dictating my behavior. Anxiety would creep in as I heard or read stories of others who were always beat up by their diagnosis and reached unthinkable levels of desperation, shame, and even tragedy. But after reading the book, I stopped identifying with the illness and started enjoying my true identity – as a child of God. 
  3. Empowerment to manage my illness as opposed to it managing me. I was no longer helpless. I understood I had to own my recovery and have a protagonist role in it. I learned to identify when I was making excuses and I learned to push through and overcome.
  4. Answers to my many questions. Had I been to blame for the things I had done and said during the manic episode, or was the illness to blame? Was I ever going to be able to live a productive life again? Could a Christian be depressed? Did God still love me? Was God still with me? Did I need to tell others about my diagnosis? And if so, how was I going to tell them? Was it a sin to take medicine? How could my husband support me? All of these questions found their answers in this book.
  5. Connection to others. An end to feeling lonely!! Pastor Brad´s story, as well as other stories that appear in the book, made me feel welcome into a community of overcomers in the name of Jesus!
  6. Principles on which to base my life. The 6 Tenets of Recovery did not only provide answers to my questions – they also gave me a new perspective, a fresh world view, and new criteria to live by.
  7. A renewed mind. Tenet 5 specifically deals with the fact that while medication is a key part of recovery, it is not the only answer. We need to work on our recovery, and one of the most effective ways to do that is to renew our minds with the Word of God. This book taught me how.
  8. Detachment of victim mentality. I finally admitted that there were actually worse things and worse situations than mine, and that I needn´t allow my diagnosis to reduce me to a defeated, helpless woman walking around with her head down and her eyes to the ground. 
  9. Encouragement and strength to love those around me. Specially my family. The book provided me a perspective on how my illness affected everyone else around me and hence provided me a way to love them as a motive to make the effort to recover.
  10. Healing from my past. I was now able to be honest about it. I was now able to forgive myself as well as others. I could finally stop asking “why?”.  I was now able to turn the page and walk into a brighter future, with the assurance in my heart that God is a God who Redeems. 
  11. Hope like I had never known or understood before! I now felt it was possible to live a full and rich life in spite of my disorder. I now did not only hope to be the mother, daughter, and wife I used to be, but I actually expected to be an even better mother, daughter, and wife than I used to be! I no longer only hoped to continue serving the Lord like I used to do, but I actually expected to have an even better relationship with Him and to serve Him a lot more! Now I had a way forward; a future and a hope just like Jeremiah 29:11 promises.

To my surprise, the entire book was easy to read, and it had such a comforting tone. It felt familiar. It felt like I was having a candid conversation with someone more experienced and wise than I was in hope and recovery matters. After reading the book, I was no longer surviving but thriving. I had a Wellness Plan. A circle of accountability, a new perspective, and an entire future had opened wide ahead of me, ready to be conquered. Romans 8:28 took on a whole new meaning. 

If you haven’t read Pastor Brad’s book, I would strongly recommend that you do. I am thrilled to know that now my Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters have the opportunity to read it!! No other book exists with this unique peer-to-peer, faith-based focus. You can order yours through Amazon (both in digital or paperback editions), or write to samantha@freshhope.us to order one straight from the office. But beware – your life might undergo strong positive changes after you read it! 

You can purchase the Kindle version at the link here: Purchase Kindle Edition!  

Or your can pre-order a paperback copy that will be available June 1st at the link here: Pre-Order PaperBack Edition! 

 

Times like this can be a challenge to our mental health. Navigating all of the life altering changes that are coming at us can not only cause anxiety, but the anxiety can lead to a sense of fear; which can lead us to shutting down or finding unhealthy ways of coping.

We are committed to guiding you through this unprecedented time in our history. We are willing to walk along side of you and empower you practical ways to navigate this time of social distancing and isolation through our weekly Mental Health Mondays on Facebook Live!

 

Each Monday for the foreseeable future Pastor Brad will host a Mental Health Monday gathering on Fresh Hope for Mental Health’s Facebook page. The gathering will begin at 8.30 p.m. Central Time Zone. If you’d like to receive reminders about the gathering, please click the link below and we’ll send a reminder each week about it along with other practical tools for emotionally managing a time such as this.

Forgiveness: The Power to Heal by Jamie Meyer

Forgiveness: The Power to Heal by Jamie Meyer

By: Jamie Meyer

Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive hurts you more than it hurts the other person. I liken it to being held captive by a ball and chain. Unable to move forward in life we remain stuck in the past, continually ruminating on what someone did to us. Unforgiveness makes it more difficult to “live well” in spite of having a mental health diagnosis.

It’s human nature to want justice. We want the other person to pay for what they did. At the very least we want an apology. Deep down we even question whether the way we were treated contributed to triggering our mental illness or worsened it.

How were you hurt at the hands of another? Were you bullied, made fun of, or stigmatized because you were different from your peers? Maybe you were hurt, or continue to be, in a relationship. They didn’t understand so they said hurtful things, ignored you, or walked away, leaving you feeling abandoned and alone. I’ll let you fill in the blank.

As is true of all things in God’s kingdom, hope for healing is found in Christ alone. Are you thinking that there’s no way you can possibly forgive your enemy? Jesus tells us “With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27). I think that pretty much covers everything, no matter how grievous the violation. If we invite God into the process, then forgiveness is possible.

Refusal to forgive is often the result of not understanding what it means to forgive a person. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget what the person did or tell yourself the hurtful experience didn’t matter. As much as you might want to, you can never erase those painful experiences from your memory.

Forgiveness does not mean you let the other person off the hook either. They are still responsible for what they did. The person who hurt you may never come to you and say they’re sorry. In fact, they may have already passed away. Regardless, it’s comforting to know they’re accountable to someone greater than you: “Never take your own revenge….’Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19).

Probably the greatest misunderstanding about forgiveness is that it involves reconciliation with the offender. That’s wonderful if it’s something you want but in most cases there’s no desire to restore the relationship. Why risk the chance of being hurt again? Part of caring for ourselves and maintaining stability requires choosing healthy relationships.

Forgiveness is a process, one that takes time. You don’t wake up one morning and decide you’re going to forgive someone. Telling yourself “I forgive ___” won’t take away the hurt and resentment you feel.

A better place to start is by asking yourself some questions: Do I honestly believe the person who hurt me will someday tell me they’re sorry for their actions? What if they did apologize and beg for my forgiveness? Would that make up for the damage it caused in my life, the happiness and peace of mind I could have had, or how my life may have turned out differently? If that day came, it honestly wouldn’t be enough.

The process of forgiveness begins with accepting the reality that in all likelihood there will be no admittance of guilt, no apology, nor will they have become a better person over time. Letting go of those expectations and the need to get even will enable you to break free of the ball and chain.

The past and its memories will always be a part of you but you’ll no longer be weighed down by them emotionally. Although the length of time it takes to heal varies from person to person, forgiveness is something you do for you. In return you receive freedom, joy, inner peace, and the ability to move forward with hope.

 

Fresh Hope is a faith-based non-profit that empowers people to live well in spite of their mental health challenge.

YOUR gift will provide a person with God’s Fresh HOPE for daily living. Click here to donate, today.

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Questions to Ask Yourself When Emotionally Stuck

Questions to Ask Yourself When Emotionally Stuck

Now and then you and I will hit a “speed bump” in life. I define a “speed bump” as those times in which I am troubled by something that happens or by what someone has done that I continue to ruminate over and over in my mind. And due to the ruminating, I get emotionally stuck.

Getting emotionally stuck happens to everyone; not just those of us with a mental health diagnosis. And when we get stuck emotionally; rehearsing something over and over it begins to impair our ability to move forward.

For an extended period in my journey of learning to live well in spite of having bipolar disorder, I was an expert at hitting emotional speed bumps only to find myself in a ruminating rut of despair about something that someone said or did. It impaired my ability to move forward in learning how to live. That is until I learned a few key questions to ask myself when this would happen.

The first key question I learned to ask myself: Is there anything I can do about what is bothering me? If the answer to this question is yes, then the next question that I ask myself is: What am I going do to resolve this issue? If there’s something I can do to resolve it, then I have to decide to do it. Because if I am unwilling to do it, I will stay emotionally stuck.

It’s way to easy to remain emotionally stuck and continue to ruminate about something over and over. But, that only makes one emotionally toxic within a short time. So, choose not to allow myself any excuses for not doing what I can do to resolve an issue that is bothering me. If I am not willing to change what I can change then, I will never move forward. In fact, I’ll get worse, not better.

Now, if I ask myself the initial key question (Is there anything I can do about what is bothering me?) and the answer to the question is “no.” Then the next question I ask myself is: So, what I am going to do about accepting the fact that I can do nothing about this issue? So, instead of rehearsing how unfair someone has been or continues to be, what am I going to do to accept that there is nothing I can do about it. Otherwise, I can not only expect to stay stuck emotionally but, I understand that I am going to move backward emotionally. But because I refuse to be the victim of things that I cannot change I choose to accept these things, and I move forward. Forward in my journey of learning to live well in spite of having mental health diagnosis.

Here’s a bit of a challenge for you: if this post has irritated you, then you just might be emotionally stuck. If you want to lash out at me, telling me how I don’t understand, then you most likely emotionally stuck. And if that’s the case, what are you going to do about it? Or how are you doing to accept that there is nothing you can do about it?

Here’s a short video about this topic or getting unstuck or as we call it “pushing through” in Fresh Hope:

Fresh Hope for Mental Health: Pushing Through/Recovery Principle #3 from Brad Hoefs on Vimeo.

Staying stuck emotionally hurts you. Pain is inevitable in this life. But, suffering because one is stuck is optional. It’s a choice. I choose to move forward. How about you?

Fresh Hope is a faith-based non-profit that empowers people to live well in spite of their mental health challenge.

YOUR gift will provide a person with God’s Fresh HOPE for daily living. Click here to donate, today.

Fresh Hope is a faith-based non-profit that empowers people to live well in spite of their mental health challenge.

YOUR gift will provide a person with God’s Fresh HOPE for daily living. Click here to donate, today.

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